I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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