I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
