I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
