The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
