i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
