My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
