I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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