remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
