My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
