when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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