I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
