Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
