It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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