we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
