What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
