the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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