I need to stop coming to work sober
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
