half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
