capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
