wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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