I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
