Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize