she woke up with a sticky ear
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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