I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
