I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
