I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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