You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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