Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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