I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
