Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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