So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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