I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
