I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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