I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
