woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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