Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
