the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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