I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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