and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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