WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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