i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
