Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
