Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
