I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
