I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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