I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I pour the whiskey from now on
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize