Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
