My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
