I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
