don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
This is classic penis vs brain.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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