Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
