I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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