fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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