Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
