Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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