worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
And then he peed in my hair
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