Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
