Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
