im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
