last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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