party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
